awmanimthebest

 its like this man :

my emotions have been rollercoastering, ive been epically paranoid lately for some reason, i need a job before i go crazy, right now i am sign holding for a business that i used to work for. isnt that a fucking kick in the balls? ive felt lonely, i really dont have any friends anymore when just a year ago i almost never was alone. maybe i just dont know how to deal with being alone all the time. i dont know but its driving me fucking mad. i read, i smoke bowls all by myself, which is weird, but i mean i would share them if i had someone to hang with. i suspect that my only friend that i really have to hang out with is starting to get sick of hanging out with me. i guess for the past 6 years i have constantly had someone to always be my partner in crime/ everything. my fafsa is finally filled out so i suppose i will be going to school shortly. my father has been promising to get this apartment off hancock with me for about 3 months now and is now about 2 weeks late on it and i dont see it happening soon. my mother tried to put me on anti-anxiety medicine (something i was completely opposed to, any kind of medicine for that fact, and still partially am) but it ended up just making me extremely irritated. it short it stopped my anxiety but made me a total dick. my thoughts race. i think of the people that i used to know/hurt/love/whatever like it was some kind of movie. alot of people seem to think they know who i am now, and have begun their shit talking. this is something very knew to me, i thought that i had always been very likeable. but now it seems that lots of people have problems with me and my actions and most of it is all centered around girls that i have seen in the last couple years. and those girls may've talked shit about me to lots and lots of people. but see i dont know this so it leaves me with confusion. im sure that what ive written here is very hard to follow and random but its more just thoughts coming to my head. right now i am typing abnormally fast until i hit that "abnormally" word and then it slowed back down. hah. well i guess really im just really kind of mad right now because a friend just blew me off tonight. im sign holding yet again tomorrow. a first date ended up being "coffee with a friend" (a no im not trying for a girl but its just weird when that happens.) i feel as if everyone i know isnt real. they are all just illusions of text messages and "oh hey, whats up" 's on the computer. i see that illusion for maybe 1-5 minutes and then just as fast as that conversation popped up, its gone and i still feel like i have no one. the sad part is, is that i start 98% of those conversations. i dont know what happened to me. i dont know what i did to make everyone so mad. i dont know how much longer ill be around these parts and maybe thats a good thing. i dont know what to do, i feel like shit. i feel even more like shit that until im stable i cant take on anyone else but its hard to keep myself stable without getting out of my head five minutes a day and hanging out with someone i trust. just fuck everything. fuck.